Security Reports That Don’t Suck: How to Make the Boss Actually Care

Why Most Security Reports Are Sleep Aids 😴

Let’s be real—most security reports look like they were written by a sleep-deprived robot trying to win a Pulitzer in Bureaucratic Nonsense. Pages of logs, 12-point Times New Roman, zero visuals… and a conclusion that basically says, “Threats are bad.” Riveting. 🙄

And then we wonder why leadership doesn’t take security seriously.

Rule #1: Know Your Audience (Hint: It’s Not Your Firewall)

Your C-suite isn’t looking for packet captures or port numbers. They want answers to these questions:

• Are we safe?

• What’s the risk?

• How much is this going to cost us?

• Who do we blame?

Translation: Your report needs to turn cybersecurity jargon into something even your CEO’s golden retriever could understand.

The Anatomy of a Security Report That Doesn’t Suck

🧠 1. Lead With the TL;DR

Give them the executive summary in two paragraphs. Highlight:

• What happened

• Why it matters

• What you did

• What’s next

If they only read this part (they will), make it count.

📸 2. Show, Don’t Just Tell

Graphs. Charts. Screenshots. Diagrams.

Would you rather read a 500-word explanation of traffic spikes or look at this?

Visuals take your report from “meh” to “oh snap” in seconds.

Bonus: Pie charts make even ransomware feel less scary. 🍰

⚖️ 3. Balance Technical Detail + Business Impact

Sure, you want to show off that deep dive into CVE-2023-Exploit-of-the-Week—but tie it to the bottom line. Like this:

Tech: RCE via unpatched web app
Business: If exploited, attackers could access customer PII, triggering compliance fines and legal risk

Now you’ve got their attention. And probably a budget increase.

😂 4. Humor Helps (When Used Wisely)

Don't be afraid to drop a little spice into your spice-less PDF.
Bad example:

“Incident X occurred at 4:32 PM”
Better:
“At 4:32 PM, someone clicked a sketchy link. Again. Karen, we need to talk.”

It makes your point and humanizes your message. Just don’t roast your team too hard. HR frowns on that. 👀

🪜 5. Tell a Story: Setup → Conflict → Resolution → Lessons

A good report reads like a good heist movie.

• Setup: What normal looked like

• Conflict: The threat or incident

• Resolution: Your response steps

• Lessons Learned: How it’s being prevented going forward

And yes, every good report has a sequel: the remediation plan. 🎬

🛠️ 6. Tools That Make Reporting Less Painful

• MITRE ATT&CK Navigator – maps threats in human-readable form

• Tableau / Power BI – data viz made pretty

• Draw.io / Lucidchart – create awesome network diagrams

• Canva – for when you want your report to look like a TED Talk slide deck

Because if it looks good, they’ll assume it must be smart too. 📊

The Report Hall of Shame 🧻

Some classics that deserve a roasting:

• “This report details event ID 4625 repeated 934 times.” (Yawn.)

• “See attached logs for more info.” (No one’s opening that ZIP file, Brad.)

• “Threat actor activity noted.” (Wow, that’s super specific.)

Final Thoughts: Make Security Memorable

A great security report does three things:

1. Educates

2. Influences

3. Gets read

If your boss actually asks questions after reading it? You won. 🏆

If they laugh once? You’re a legend. 😎

And if they approve that new tool budget? You’re a cyber unicorn. 🦄